Shit.
I of course wanted to see on my favorite miniature horse breeders website if she had any new horses for sale and by the time 2 to 5 years from now when I could possibly afford my own miniature horse, the cutest one she has for sale now will already be sold and adopted I know it by the time I could get her. I'm going to try to maybe work at her horse stables or ranch after I'm done with my credential if there are no teaching jobs. I would not mind doing more stand up comedy or being an elementary school sub teacher for a while. But I do not want to move back home to my parents house. I have loans to pay off and a 5,000 or so estimated # art book collection to go through and thin out some more hopefully down to just 3,000 art and non fiction books. I do not play the lottery anymore because I know I need to save my money and not waste it and I'm to impulsive in a fantasyland of daydreams to be a good rationale gambler.
They have a miniature horse pet therapy person in Florida...maybe I could work for him somehow and find a way to afford being in Florida by sub teaching or something to learn how to own and operate a mini horse pet therapy program for sick kids and elderly homes in need of having hopes and joy brought to them to get over hardship and loneliness inside.
I do want to get married, but people remind me that I need a girlfriend before I can get married and start adopting kids. I need a good income and good job as an art teacher, artist, art book seller, art history celebrity like sister Wendy: but as a nerd with ADD and a sharp wit, and comedian combined together somehow to get a girlfriend that may or may not become a wife that could lead to adopting the kids and being a husband and a good father/dad...hmmm.
If I go off to nowhereville in the middle of nothing to work with mini horses all day my life will be f***ing sweet but meeting miss right probably won't be happing during that time, not that now or before in Oakland/SF, San Diego, Los Angeles, or right now in Long Beach meeting women who like me and want me back has ever been easy for me to find...But working with a professional miniature horse breeder or ranch or mini teacup persian cat breeder or exotic pixie bob or savannah cat breeder, my life would be on a cloud nine except that as I get older and a little bit fatter and more balding at the corner widows peak in my Nixon inspired hairline meeting beautiful young strong and sexy smart women is not in my favor as a contender for their love and admiration...It would be better to fly out of state to work with animals and a really pro breeder to learn the ropes from the best in the field of exotic cats or mini horses than be in San Diego at my parents house depressed and anxious as hell, get chewed up and spit out with loans increasing by 9 or 15% each year and my parents wanting to see me as the failure they always seem to remind me of what I do wrong to be so ashamed of me all the time, which is a fantasy and not based in reality, because I am a good person and a good son and keep my nose clean and they enjoy seeing me as a negative instead of a positive together as a couple, I help keep the marriage alive by their bitter constant disappoint in me they team up to go after together as a husband and a wife, finding together a common shared experience: me the son with everything they find wrong with, no matter what good things I have done or not so good that I never did at all and never happened except in their eyes.
animals represent to me hope, happiness, intuition, and a connection and unconditional love. If dogs, cats, and horses shit all over me like my family or some of the relatives on my dads side of the family or the bullies who I had the pleasure of facing and dealing with in hostile encounters in life I would not love animals like i do! Animals are complex, sure but they are not people. I'm not going to get my feelings hurt by a hungry South African Alpha male bull Hippo or North Indian area Bengal tiger, I know they want to kill me or eat me already, I'm not supposed to go and have to trust them or try to get along and have them like me back!
I want animals to love and be loved back by for the rest of my entire life! I found something that works for me that is healthy behavior and fills a void and an emptiness of pain and despair and loneliness with more than enough love. Now if things open up with me with dating strong and attractive women and I can find steady work and an income to not go broke and lose everything that is my life dream goal besides the family day dream of mine, of having a happy and emotionally healthy and not mean spirited or verbally despairing wife and in laws, but kind and supportive people I sound myself with by making good smart sound choices in who I go for and having better luck being accepted and taken seriously as a good pick by these same women!